1. A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
2. A lady went to the US Embassy for a visa. While filling out the form she put “Prostitute” as her occupation. A man sitting close to her said, “U cyah put dat, cause if u put it u nah get di visa. She then changed it to “Lady of the night”. The man said, “In case u nuh realize, a di same ting”. She then changed it and put “Chicken Farmer”. Tha man asked, “So how u jump from Prostitute to Chicken Farmer now?”. She answered, “U know how much cock mi raise!?”
3. Man fi thief but nuh so
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe.
There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It’s tainted.
The men open the next safe.
There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again – no money.
The thieves take on another safe.
And there’s yogurt again. “John, why don’t you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!” says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John. “It is definitely a bank!” “What exactly did the sign say?” “The Sperm Bank of Ohio!””
4. An Israeli doctor says: “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.”
The German doctor says: “That’s nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The American doctor laughs: “You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking work…
5. Ben on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman
before…..? “So what do I do first?”
His father replies: “Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed”.
5 minutes later Ben is on the phone again. “She’s naked and in bed what do I do now?”
His father can’t believe what he is hearing, “Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her.”
After another 5 minutes Ben is on the phone again. “Dad, I’m naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?” His father’s patience is now running out so he says, “son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees…… Good night”!
Just when his father starts snoring, Ben is on the phone again. “OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?”
“Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!
6. A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says:
“Dark in here.”
The Man says:
“Yes, it is.”
Boy:
;I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?”
Man:
;No, thanks.”
Boy:
;My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”
Man:
“OK, how much?”
Boy:
“$1,000.”
A few weeks later it happened again , and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy:
“Dark in here.”
Man:
;Yes, it is.”
Boy:
“I have soccer boots.”
The Man, remembering the last time, and asks the boy:
“How much?”
The Boy says
“$5,000.”
The Man says:
“Fine, I will buy them.”
A few days later, the Father says to the boy:
“Grab your ball and boots,
let’s go outside and have a game.”
The Boy says:
“I can’t, I sold them for $ 6,000.”
The Father says:::
“That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost.
I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your “SINS.”
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says:
“Dark in here.”
The Priest says:
“Don’t start that shit again!”
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER’S HOUSE !
7. An Inspirational speaker said: “The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man’s Wife”
Audience were in shock and silence. He added: “and she is my Mother”.
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home. After dinner, he said to his wife, “The best days of my life were the days I spent with another Man’s wife….”
After a moment he tried to recall the second line..
But by the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed recovering from burns of hot water poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don’t copy if you cannot paste!!!!!!!
8. Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to him and see how horny he gets – just as
men do.'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the
enclosure as if he wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just
like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape
from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your butt and let us see what
happens!'
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her butt to the gorilla, which by now was extremely aroused,
breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Mark, what do I do now? Please, help me!'
Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in the mood …Now lets see if Gorillas and
Men are the same..
